Welcoming Baby Cosmo!

My grandma's cats hated me. She raised them from babies, bottle feeding them, and nursing them back to health after being dumped on her doorstep when I was a kid. I used to pick them up and try to cuddle them, always resulting in them mewling for their lives, flailing their claws, and trying to gauge my eyes out. From then on, I was a dog person and I took it very seriously.

So tell me how, living in this new apartment (which is a no pet zone, hah, oops) and obviously we cannot own a dog because not only do we live in the city but having a dog is legitimately like having a small child... I was manipulated, finagled, duped... into getting a kitten. 

And I totally just let it happen.

Lucas and I went home this past weekend to relax with friends and family (and I went to The Big E, another post coming up soon!) and on our way home he slyly mentioned that he wanted to go to The Humane Society. Well, we'd been talking about getting a kitten for a little while since our apartment is just so lonely without a pet. Houses without animals are so weird. I think I feel that way because my family truly hasn't gone longer than three months without a dog residing there as king or queen of the house. Obviously I knew there was a very small chance that we'd be leaving the humane society empty-handed. 

We walked in and there were THREE - not one, not two, but THREE - tiny two-month old orange kittens. I was sobbing. Clutching Lucas's arm and screaming that we needed to take home all three. Making a scene, I had to be escorted out of the building, completely losing my head and trying to climb into the cage with the animals. 

Obviously I'm exaggerating.

We filled out an application and took out a little sucker named Carter. The kittens all looked the exact same so there was no way of telling them apart. I didn't really know what to expect because my parents passionately hate cats and I have never really interacted with one besides being clawed half to death by my grandmas' cats at the age of nine. 

Carter was set down in the room and immediately became possessed by a wild spirit. He clawed up our legs, tried to jump out the window, would not let us hold him, was running so fast around the room that all of us, the employee included, could not catch him. Wanting more cuddles (and absolutely terrified by Carter), we decided to meet another one of the kittens. 

They brought in Fluff Muffin. And it was love at first sight. 

The little fluffer dude cuddled up in our laps, seemed to love being held and cuddled, and was purring the entire time. He was playful in a manageable way (although since coming home he's attacked me in my sleep several times LOL, but I think I just need to get him some more interesting toys). We brought him home that day and for almost the entire ride back to Boston he sat in my lap, sleepy and adorable, curled up in a little kitty ball of fur.

Two days ago we still hadn't come up with a name for him (because I was not going to continue calling him Fluff Muffin, and until then he had just been Baby Cat). Lucas and I were sitting on an outdoor patio and it was the full moon. I was going on about how I could feel connected to the cosmos, and Lucas's eyes lit up as he said, "We should name him Cosmo!" And now my little galactic kitty babe has a name. 

I won't lie, he's a freaking handful. A little more than I was expecting from a cat. But I love how much attention he needs because he's my little babe. He makes me love staying in at home, and he makes me excited to come home from work every day. Seeing his little face light up is the warmest feeling after a long day. :) 

I Just Want To Feel Safe.

I was in 4th grade when 9/11 happened and even though it rocked the whole world, I was too young at the time for it to have an immediate impact on how I lived my daily life.

I was even too young for Columbine and Virginia Tech to have a real impact on me. My parents definitely did a fantastic job shielding me from the horrors on the news that day (and the weeks that followed).

Then the shooting in the Aurora movie theater happened. And I still go to movie theaters, but does it cross my mind that violence might occur there? Yes.

Then Newtown happened. In my own state. I cried as my dad told me more about it, driving me home from college for my winter break. It didn't seem real at all. But does it occur to me now that children might not be safe in schools without security guards and metal detectors at the entrances? Yes.

Then Pulse nightclub. The club isn't safe anymore. Somewhere to let loose and be carefree. You never know, you never know. Am I nervous to go to gay clubs now? Yes. Will I still? Yes.

A fireworks show in France. A shopping center. A music festival.

I'm writing because I don't know what else to do. I scrolled through Twitter and consumed hours of media today. It's heartwrenching. It's soul crushing. There's nothing to understand, or to make sense of because it's senseless. 

I just want to feel safe. My house is safe. My hometown neighborhood feels safe. That's where I still am right now. Boston doesn't feel quite as safe. Buying spontaneous plane tickets to an exciting destination doesn't feel safe. But how would my life be if I stayed in this kitchen for the rest of my life? Playing it safe. Not seeing the horrors of the world, but also missing all of the beauty, amazing people, breathtaking places.

There is darkness, there is horror, there is fear.
There is lightness, there is hope, there is living.

I want to be safe, but I want to live.

My thoughts are so with anyone effected by this tragedy. It's going to get harder as we start learning about the victims. The only way I can think to honor them is by continuing to spread their stories, and by living.

Goodbye September, Hello October.

Goodbye September. 

Goodbye to getting lost coming to and from work every day. I have almost 100% confidence in my ability to finally get to work and home again without using my Maps app. It only took a month!

Goodbye strange Indian summer. I won't complain about your unexpected 90 degree afternoons because I'll always be a summer lover at heart.

Goodbye uncomfortable adjustment period. You will not be missed, but I know you were important.

Goodbye to a month of meeting so many new people. Some people who may turn out to be some of my closest friends. Some people who are wonderful connections to have in the dance world. Some people who might let me babysit their kids! #Hustle.

Goodbye to being "the new girl" at work. And it already feels like I've been there for six years. In a good way. Hearing your superiors tell you how much you're impressing them with your ability to make it seem like you've always been there... wow, that'll never get old.


Hello October.

Hello all of the Fall activities. Pumpkin floats on city lakes, pumpkin picking, setting out the Halloween decorations, haunted houses in abandoned apartments, so much more.

Hello to fresh air with that crisp nostalgic scent. The sound and the smell of crinkled leaves rustling on the pavement, grey mornings, coffee in an old mug. The taste of nostalgia that I can't quite describe.

Hello to the the Fall TV and Halloween movies. How to Get Away with Murder, Stranger Things 2, Hocus Pocus, Harry Potter marathons, all the things I love the most.

Hello to productivity and getting sh*t done. After a strange month of adjusting, it feels like I'm really ready to cross things off my to-do lists that have been sitting there for way too long. My newfound addiction to my bullet journal is helping more than I realized it would.

Hello to a month of creativity. In the month of October I'm going to try to hold myself accountable to creating something every day. A poem, a blog post, a dance phrase, a doodle - anything. So many things. To bridge the huge gap between what I consume (infinite) to what I produce (limited). To spark my inspiration. To make my world a better place to live in. I'll keep this blog updated with that journey. #CreateEveryday.

Here's to a beautiful new month of possibility, autumnal tones, and glowing Jack O Lanterns. 

The Magic of Being Home.

Being home, in comfortable, rustic, sleepy suburbia, with its vegetable stands, pumpkin displays, open roads flanked with the red, yellow, brown towering oak trees of early autumn - is magical in the Fall.

Knowing where I'm going without a GPS is also quite magical. This cloudy, grey morning I ran an important errand. I took myself to Bank of America to finally get a temp card, encountering the first Connecticut roundabout I've ever seen along the way. It wasn't fully constructed yet so I had to take a quick detour to get to the bank, but I knew where I was going and that was very comforting. Familiarity is an old friend.

I watched HTGAWM OnDemand this afternoon, curled up on the couch in my flannel with a hot cup of caramel macchiato warming my hands in my grandmas' old mug . The season premiere didn't quite have me jumping on the edge of my seat like I wanted it to, but I'm still going to watch this season (as it's the only scripted Fall TV show that I regularly watch besides Stranger Things and I have to wait until 10/27 for that to drop!)

Later, my childhood friend, Courtney, picked me up for some retail therapy in the local mall area. I took advantage of some gift cards that had been warming my wallet for awhile and picked up a Northface raincoat and some unbelievably cozy Cabin Socks from Dicks. I can't believe I've never tried those socks before. They're infused with aloe and come in a billion patterns and colors and just look like the epitome of what one would wear on their feet while warming them by a roaring fire. We popped into Bath & Body Works where we lost our minds smelling every single autumn candle we could get our hands on. Taking advantage of the 2 for $24 candle sale is something even the strongest of us can't resist *plus I had a $15 gift card* so I walked away with Cider Lane (a literal caramel apple in a candle jar) and Hot Cocoa & Cream (so authentically chocolate-y that I swear they melted down a batch of brownies and poured it in the wax).

Last but not least, we hit up Ulta, a cornucopia of my deepest loves. Self-care and skin-care go together like PB&J (both of which I'm trying to work so much harder on). Courtney was downright horrified - rightly so - when I told her I hadn't used a facewash in several months and my moisturizer consisted exclusively of coconut oil. I'm trying this Pacifica Facewash and Probiotic Cream because they're vegan, cruelty-free, and I've been wanting to try probiotics in my skincare for a little while now.

Little did I know, my rockstar mother was out grocery shopping and buying me some skin care because she also took great pity on my complete lack thereof. So I went from 0 to 100 on the skincare front, real quick. I'm a-okay with that and over the moon to try out this St. Ives face cream, St. Ives Oatmeal Scrub/Mask, and this Basis Facewash! 

Now I am back in my cozy couch spot, the sounds of college football from the TV calming me as night falls, my familys' pup was just chasing her tennis ball like crazy, and I've caught up on several blogs that give me happiness and all good feels. I'll settle in in a bit to continue reading The Handmaids Tale, a novel I've been working on since I just finished the Hulu drama last week.

City life is fun. It's exciting, fast-paced, brimming with things to see, eat, and be a part of, people to connect with, and events to attend. But my personality is one that can only handle so much noise at a time. And taking this weekend to come home and tune out was exactly what I needed.

What September Taught Me.

The ultimate month of changes - new places, new jobs, new responsibilities, new routines - is finally wrapping up.

I'm not going to lie. This has not been the easiest month. I thought that I had adjusted so well to all of this wild newness, but that was just the glossy coating that I had painted for myself on top of the real picture. The real picture is a little messy, a little lonely, and a little confused about why I'm 24 years old and still don't know how to parallel park.

Despite that, this has been a month of immense learning. And not just how to take the city bus (although I did conquer that ALL BY MYSELF a couple of weeks ago). I'm learning so much about myself, what I need to thrive, and what I was lacking before I started getting my shit together.

I need to work on being alone. When I'm alone in the apartment I either do a yoga video, read twelve chapters, and cross nine things off my to-do list or... nothing. I scroll mindlessly for four hours and then get depressed that I don't have plans. I need to work on maximizing my time alone because I unfortunately can't coerce people to chill with me 24/7.

Daily routines work for me. Falling into a solid weekday routine has been, and still is, one of the things that's leaving me feeling like a lost puppy. I had such a set schedule living in Connecticut (get out of work at 1, workout for a bit, go home and walk the dog, make/eat dinner with parents, go to dance studio to teach classes, etc) and I failed to build a routine upon coming here. I'd get out of work and then just hang out in my apartment, waiting for something to happen. Recently I've gotten a gym membership at Planet Fitness and I plan on doing that most (if not all!) days after work, which has been a help so far.

I need to actively keep up with a planner/running to-do list. I dropped the $25 at Barnes & Noble last week and got myself a brand spankin' new bullet journal. UGH. My obsession with planners is so weird. But I feel like I'll actually stick with this one and seeing the yearly, monthly, weekly, and daily spreads is a) so pleasing to the eye, wow and b) unbelievably helpful to keeping track of very important stuff like BILLS and MEETINGS. Such adult things going on here.

Go out more, even if it's inconvenient. My coworkers are friendly now that they've felt me out. They invite me out to things. Last week two of them, who are in a band, had a show on a Thursday night and I normally would've given a hard "no, thanks!" but I made myself drive 50 minutes (getting lost no less than four times!) to meet them. Because it's worth it to make friends. Because sometimes making friends means stepping outside of your comfort zone. And I had fun!

In some ways, I feel like I'm growing up all over again. Finding myself, seeking out ways to be more independent, and stepping a toe (or a whole foot) outside of my comfort zone to find happiness in this new and scary place. Like ripping a bandaid off or getting a shot, sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it's hard. But I know that if I push myself, there's a good chance it's going to be worth it.

Here's to being young and in a new city!
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