You’re about to get the only recap you need of the past two nights of mandatory television watching from someone who paid minimal attention to the Super Bowl and fell asleep before the ending, and also someone who hung on almost every word of The Bachelor besides that horrible group date with the pigs. Let’s go.
FIRST. SUPER BOWL SUNDAY.
Everyone thought the team with the prettier colors was going to win because they’ve been practically undefeated.
The Broncos led for the whole game because their defense was NASTY.
Beyonce, Bruno Mars, and Coldplay (?) were the poorly mismatched three Musketeers of the halftime show.
Peyton Manning is old but cute, he took home his second Super Bowl Ring and was super elusive when asked if he’s going to be hanging up his cleats after this game.
#speculation
HIGHLIGHTS:
Lady Gaga’s National Anthem in her Hunger Games ensemble which made everyone scratch their heads and wonder how relevant she still is.
Beyonce slaying vocals and choreography, which is honestly to be expected at this point.
Those giant trippy flowers Coldplay used for their set of old, irrelevant songs were really pretty.
Apparently there was a really bad missed field goal but I missed it probably because I was scrolling throughInstagram.
DISAPPOINTMENTS:
The game wasn’t close enough to have me on the edge of my seat, which is why I barely watched it.
Also, no sad horse commercial for Budweiser this year.
Aaaaaaaaaaand that’s about it!
NOW ONTO THE BACHELOR.
I love The Bachelor in the sick obsessed way that I want all of my friends and family members to sit around in the living room watching it with me and hashing out every single detail. Unfortunately, none of them will do that (even though my dad does secretly love this show), so I force my boyfriend to watch it with me. HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED.
Rose ceremony from last weeks cliff hanger and Ben says goodbye to Jennifer who was this dark brunette mystery and who knows if Ben ever even talked to her.
Leah is convinced she’s going to get a one on one date. She’s like THE ONLY ONE (not really) who hasn’t gotten one on one time. She’s feeling quite entitled when the card comes.
LEAH’S SLOW BUT SURE SELF DESTRUCTION BEGINS NOW.
Caila (I can never spell this girls name right on the first try) gets the date. Ben comes to get her and Leah’s body language is livid. Then she cries.
Leah’s eyebrows are so beautiful that I can’t help but side with her on this one. Seems like Ben is only keeping her as filler.
Ben and Caila have a fishing date that we can’t really see because the editing likes to cut between Ben fondling Caila’s hips to Leah crying.
It’s super artsy!
CAILA IS CONFUSED/CONFUSING.
Ben tells her to open up and she says no.
Then she tells Ben in her whispery voice with her super thick and luscious horse hair that she worries she might break his heart.
RED FLAGS EVERYWHERE. But it turns Ben on. He likes that she’s confusing.
Hopefully he’ll also like when she pulls a Becca and decide she doesn’t actually like him in the final 2.
THERE’S AN AWKWARD DATE WITH PIGS.
I’ll be totally honest, I paid almost no attention to the group date where they swam with pigs (I think???) and Leah cried more.
Did Ben really think that bringing a bunch of attention seeking woman to a pig island to swim around half naked with them was going to be anything besides horrifyingly awkward?? There were no funny icebreakers or activities to give them a fake sense of purpose on this date. So they waded around and cried and side-eyed each other with some pigs.
The major highlight of this group date was Ben’s awkwardly honest conversation with Jojo (my freaking favorite) where he basically tells her “she’s the only one who gets it”, whatever it is. Engaging in polygamy for all of America to see and maybe how tense and weird that is? It seems like such a genuine and unscripted conversation and I just think Jojo is the most down-to-earth chick of this season. She seems like the kind of girl everyone would be BFFs with in their college dorm because she’d be the wildest but also the easiest to talk to at 3am in the kitchen after the bar while still drunk and making a giant pot of pasta. I don’t know, am I the only one catching that vibe?
TWO ON ONE DATES ARE FUN… NOT.
The most pointless two on one date ever took place in a boat in a hurricane and then on an island in a hurricane where Ben sat in the sand between Emily (or Hayley?) and Olivia, talked to them each separately for about five minutes, then walked Olivia away WITH THE ROSE JUST TO TEASE HER and said “I’m sorry, I can’t give you this rose”. I’m guessing the producers decided enough was enough and he was allowed to send her home. She cried. I’m honestly going to miss the crazy things she’d say about her and Ben’s epic love story but it’s for the best. Olivia honestly reminds me of this girl I knew in college which made it weird to watch her anyways…
We know almost nothing about Emily (Hayley?) but Ben wants to continue their story and see where it goes. Probably just to the end of the next rose ceremony.
LEAH TALKS SHIT.
At some point the devil on Leah’s shoulder starts whispering in her ear and she decides if she spreads a dirty rumor about another girl, she might stand a chance. She tells Ben that Lauren B. isn’t who he thinks she is. Uh, what? Lauren B. might be boring and have a big forehead and a small face, but she seems pretty normal. Ben asks Lauren B. about it and she cries, then asks who would do it and the girls do some detective work (i.e. simple process of elimination) to determine Leah was the culprit. Leah talks to Ben another time in his room with some wine which could have saved her but instead she talks more shit and gets sent home. Good job Ben. But I’ll miss her eyebrows.
BREAK.
Two girls have gone home before even a mention of a rose ceremony. This episode is crazy! These girls are dropping like flies!
THE COCKTAIL PARTY IS CANCELED.
The girls are upset.
Jojo is worried. I don’t understand why. Since she’s going to win.
He saves Lauren B. til the last rose for dramatic build-up but why would he send her home when there’s absolutely no evidence to support Leah’s claims?
Going home is the kindergarten teacher who is adorable and goofy but got friend zoned because she’s too normal and fun. Or something.
She was very cool and cute but I couldn’t see her with Ben for some reason.
PREDICTIONS
So who is left?
Caila, Becca, Emily, Jojo, Amanda… wait, that’s it???
Oh my god.
I think Emily will go home next week, Amanda the week after, and the remaining girls will be final 3.
I don’t love Becca though to be honest.
Well, I don’t know, I don’t love anyone but Jojo.
Super dramatic season, to be continued!
