Embracing the chaos of uncertainty.

i like to think that things happen for a reason, however difficult it is to believe in the moment.

there are a million shifts and they are all right on the horizon, staring me dead in the eyes and daring me to back down. daring me to question them. daring me to question the ways and directions that the universe is pulling me.

last week i had a job interview a little bit outside of the cambridge area. i wouldn't have gotten this job interview if i wasn't planning on moving to the area for grad school and if i wasn't dating someone who is best friends with the company's human resources director.

so the stars were kind of in alignment there.

and in all honestly, i didn't think i did that well in my interview! when i'm nervous i tend to ramble, a lot.

i walked into a super official looking conference room surrounded by four people all asking me questions back to back. doing my best to conjure these intriguing answers and also be very much myself. and i guess they really liked me because i got a call back the next day!

but that's not where the questioning begins.

last week i received an updating financial aid aware letter alerting me that tuition at lesley had increased AGAIN. for the second time since i was accepted into the program.

and while i was in the cambridge area i met up with a friend in the program, who basically told me that NO ONE has time to hold down a full time job unless it's working as like a hostess, bartender or babysitter (since those hours are flexible).

cue me freaking out and calling my admissions counselor.

cue sweet wyatt confirming this scary truth: that it is almost impossible to have a big girl job while you're in grad school. 

is it just me, or are the stars not aligning for grad school right now?

so now, i am stuck on the edge of a huge decision that determines whether or not i plunge myself into $100,000 worth of debt.

there is a large... hidden... repressed part of me that knows internally, deep down in my bones, that i mostly want my masters degree for bragging rights.

because everyone else is getting one.

because i can apply for the fancier job titles with one.

but what is the meaning of life? is it about job satisfaction? if all there is to life is being pleased with the cool title that you can put on your linkedin account, then i think not.

i do want to feel proud of myself, like i'm accomplishing something, like what i'm doing is making a difference in this world and in other people's lives.

i think there's a chance that i might be able to accomplish that job satisfaction without a masters degree.

with a job as a counselor at this school that serves kids and teens and young adults with mild behavioral disorders. or maybe as a yoga instructor as well, since if i'm not in grad school i'd have the free time and finances to get my 200 hour YTT.

who knows, who knows, who knows?

and maybe i am meant to take another year off.  to mull it over and think it through like a VERY rational human being, because that is a lot of debt to dive into. and because i still very much value my freedom and my ability to go, do, and see.

it is all so much to think about.

but i'm trying with all of my strength to embrace the chaos of this uncertainty because no matter WHAT i choose to do, there is big shift happening. and it's been a long time coming.

Itś been a long time coming.

Untitled from danielle on Vimeo.

i took this video a few months ago. when the spring was turning new, when the ice had just thawed, when it was the first and only time all year that i had worn shorts & a tank top outside.

it feels fragile, tentative, like i was in the process of discovering what movement felt like again.

because i was.

over the course of a few years, i had unfortunately lost touch with my creative voice - and with that pulsing drive to move move move, to dance & create.

i don't know where it went. something that had been an integral part of my life felt like it had flickered away and died out. i had become consumed with the meaningless monotony of a steady full-time job, my free time was spent either teaching dance (an activity that i loved dearly ... until i began to realize that teaching dance was not at all equal to dancing / creating for MYSELF), being with my significant other, or the worst of all, with my nose buried in my phone, scrolling through social media for literally HOURS on end.

it's insane to think about how i spent my free time in middle school, even high school. EVEN IN COLLEGE. back before i didn't have a smartphone to consume my time & suck away all of my individuality via the ever dangerous comparison trap. or just the fear of being vulnerable / different from my friends and followers.

this video is a testing 1, 2, 3. it was the first time i had truly moved outside - after literally FOUR YEARS of site specific movement study in college - in ... i don't even want to think how long.

what does it feel like? is it perfect? no. is it aesthetically pleasing? not really. is it a START, a potential for greater & more expansive movement exploration? YES.

i think that's all that matters.

Comparison is the thief of joy/My issue with social media & holidays.

christmas, new year's eve, birthdays, the fourth of july.

why did these holidays all seem so much more magical & precious when i was a kid? honestly ... why did everything seem so special when i was a kid?

life was so much slower. so much simpler.

and it also never felt like we were rushing from one thing to the next. i didn't start suffering from FOMO until i got my phone. and i didn't get a smartphone until my senior year of college. COLLEGE. so i got to enjoy those good 'ol days of oblivion for a lot longer than the average person, i think.

why did the oblivion feel so ... good?

The Starting Point.

the symbolic exact midway point through the year & a fresh start to a new month (not to mention all of the EXTREME changes that are about to shake my life to the core) have inspired me. to start over again, authentically.

i love to write. my 4th grade teacher - shoutout mrs. horton - told my dad that i was going to be a writer someday. they were both so sure of this that it really seemed like a disappointment when i went to school for dance & psychology instead of journalism or creative writing or something like that. but writing has always remained a part of my life, however inconsistent it may have become.

life is strange right now. so many things are right on the cusp of manifesting ... but there is SO MUCH that i still have to figure out. it's overwhelming, exciting, insane.

within the next two months i'll be: quitting the job that i've had for over two years now, moving to a new state, selling my car in favor of public transportation, renting an apartment for the first time, finding a new job, & starting graduate school.

LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. 

there is no doubt that i'll be leaving my comfort zone far, far behind. this is only the beginning, but i have high hopes for this blog - to stay authentic, to rediscover my love of writing, to document my journey from connecticut to boston as a dance/movement therapy student at lesley university with big hopes + dreams and a new life that is just now beginning!