i like to think that things happen for a reason, however difficult it is to believe in the moment.
there are a million shifts and they are all right on the horizon, staring me dead in the eyes and daring me to back down. daring me to question them. daring me to question the ways and directions that the universe is pulling me.
last week i had a job interview a little bit outside of the cambridge area. i wouldn't have gotten this job interview if i wasn't planning on moving to the area for grad school and if i wasn't dating someone who is best friends with the company's human resources director.
so the stars were kind of in alignment there.
and in all honestly, i didn't think i did that well in my interview! when i'm nervous i tend to ramble, a lot.
i walked into a super official looking conference room surrounded by four people all asking me questions back to back. doing my best to conjure these intriguing answers and also be very much myself. and i guess they really liked me because i got a call back the next day!
but that's not where the questioning begins.
last week i received an updating financial aid aware letter alerting me that tuition at lesley had increased AGAIN. for the second time since i was accepted into the program.
and while i was in the cambridge area i met up with a friend in the program, who basically told me that NO ONE has time to hold down a full time job unless it's working as like a hostess, bartender or babysitter (since those hours are flexible).
cue me freaking out and calling my admissions counselor.
cue sweet wyatt confirming this scary truth: that it is almost impossible to have a big girl job while you're in grad school.
is it just me, or are the stars not aligning for grad school right now?
so now, i am stuck on the edge of a huge decision that determines whether or not i plunge myself into $100,000 worth of debt.
there is a large... hidden... repressed part of me that knows internally, deep down in my bones, that i mostly want my masters degree for bragging rights.
because everyone else is getting one.
because i can apply for the fancier job titles with one.
but what is the meaning of life? is it about job satisfaction? if all there is to life is being pleased with the cool title that you can put on your linkedin account, then i think not.
i do want to feel proud of myself, like i'm accomplishing something, like what i'm doing is making a difference in this world and in other people's lives.
i think there's a chance that i might be able to accomplish that job satisfaction without a masters degree.
with a job as a counselor at this school that serves kids and teens and young adults with mild behavioral disorders. or maybe as a yoga instructor as well, since if i'm not in grad school i'd have the free time and finances to get my 200 hour YTT.
who knows, who knows, who knows?
and maybe i am meant to take another year off. to mull it over and think it through like a VERY rational human being, because that is a lot of debt to dive into. and because i still very much value my freedom and my ability to go, do, and see.
it is all so much to think about.
but i'm trying with all of my strength to embrace the chaos of this uncertainty because no matter WHAT i choose to do, there is big shift happening. and it's been a long time coming.
No comments