How I Survived the Plague of 2016

I do not get sick often and when I do, it's bad. Very bad.

Hence the week long hiatus from this blog. I was so sick that I couldn't even bare to move my fingers. I couldn't fathom stringing together coherent sentences. What I had was worse than when I had mono in college. Type B Influenza knocked me down and curb stomped me senseless my friends.

I was only at work until 9AM on Tuesday before I knew something was wrong. I had the chills and a headache that went straight into my eye sockets. I never really get headaches either. The doctor at the walk in clinic first reprimanded me for not getting the flu shot. But I've never had the flu! Then she scared me by telling me "this is the best you're going to feel for days" and "people my age die from this". Like thanks lady, like I wasn't feeling terrible and miserable already.

Thus began the five day lay down. I feel like I honestly slept for five days straight and therefore lost basically a full week of my life. Oh well.

Here are some all star things and shows that got me through this week long hell.

The Biggest Loser
There are a ton of seasons of The Biggest Loser on Hulu and it saved me. The only bad thing was that I had terrible congestion and crying every five minutes from the show certainly did not help that. I watched a full 1.5 seasons.

Youtube
I had a plethora of Youtube videos to catch up on. I'm wicked obsessed with beauty videos so I watched about a thousand of those, followed by another thousand hip hop dance videos. So inspiring!

Lysol wipes
Miraculously, no one in my house got sick. And neither did my boyfriend, who slept with me EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. He is a clean freak though. He wiped down every surface multiple times and made me wipe my hands with Lysol wipes after each time I blew my nose.

Medical masks
He also made me wear a medical mask at all times during the first three days of my plague so like, I think that helped too.

Organic honey + lemon throat drops
Nothing helps a sore throat like lemon and honey. And my throat and chest felt like they were being ripped in half with a meat cleaver. Sorry for that imagery.

Chicken noodle soup
A classic for a reason.

Inside Amy Shumer
Laughing hurt but this helped get my mind off the fact that I hadn't seen sunshine in over 80 hours. Amy Shumer is fucking hilarious.

Bluetooth thermometer
Why use a regular thermometer when you can use a Bluetooth thermometer that syncs to your phone and records your history of temperature readings? Super handy when you're considered contagious until 24 hours without a fever, unmedicated.

Mucinex Day + Night
Dayquil and Nyquil suck, this stuff is where it's at.

Toast
My personal favorite sick food, and brings me back to elementary school days.

My boyfriend & mother
These amazing humans were literally my caretakers and I would have been a crusty old rag without them. They put a heating pad on my bag, an ice pack on my head, and a love inside my heart. Wow so cheesy. I can't help it. Their love and attention made me so grateful I was nearly brought to tears more than once.

I'm happy to be back on the blog. Writing is so cathartic that I think being away for so long is part of the reason I've been feeling so pent up and emotional. I'll be back tomorrow with how I did on my April goals and my new goals for May :)

The multiple personalities of Sick Danielle

(Above: wearing one of my many tiny college skirts in the dead of winter and almost definitely pretending I’m not sick.)

I honestly don’t know how anyone deals with me when I’m sick. Pour some out for my awesome mom who would pick me up from school ON THE REG (I was a very sick kid) and be the most patient, gentle parent ever while I screamed and whined. She still does that sometimes now but it includes a lot more eye rolls and sighs when I yell for chicken soup from across the house.

Being sick is a funny thing. I don’t get sick too often anymore but when I do, no one really knows what they’re going to get. For example, a couple of months ago I told my boyfriend that I’m an absolute bitch when I’m sick. Which can be true. But this morning when I woke up with a horrible head cold, surrounded by snotty balled-up Kleenex tissues, I was a blubbery baby mess. So here I’ve tried to compile by multiple personalities of when I’m sick. Maybe this field guide will help my poor loved ones tiptoe around my sleeping mass with some idea of what they’ll be getting when I roar back to life.

The Angry Bitchy Sick. Usually reserved for when I have terrible cramps during that time of the month. If you’re healthy and active when I am this way, I likely hate you. I also hate being talked to, being looked at the wrong way, and anyone telling me that I’m gross when I describe the actions happening in my uterus as “a red tidal wave of suffering and destruction” or “a waterfall of blood”. I’m sick and I can say whatevever I DAMN WELL PLEASE.

The Sad Pathetic Baby Sick. I honestly don’t know which is worse, the first one or this one. I suppose it can be endearing when I whine like a toddler, pout, throw tissues and empty Kleenex boxes on the ground, and refuse to eat or shower if no one is telling me to. For about 5 minutes. This kind of sick is when I have a cold or stomach ache. Essentially I can revert back to infant-hood in mere hours and I will refuse to speak except for in short bursts of syllables like “MEHK!” Sexy, I know.

The I’m-Not-Sick Sick. This happens occasionally when I have a lot going on in my life, like when I actually don’t have time to be sick and a lot of people are relying on me or I have a lot of events going. It was also a side effect of being a senior in college having just turned 21 that December. Ahhhhh, good times. While I am an old and washed up grandmother right now, senior year of college Danielle would never hesitate to leave the house on the Thursday night wearing only a black bodycon skirt and a tank top, in the dead of winter, with a terrible sinus infection. So wait, we have to wait outside the bar for an hour before getting let in because it’s over capacity? No problem. My nose is running like a faucet and I’m shivering uncontrollably but I shoved some tissues in my push-up bra and I’ll huddle with #mysquad for warmth. 23 year old Danielle looks back on these times and is absolutely horrified.

The Bipolar Manic Depressive Sick. Being sick can sometimes be a catalyst for an existential meltdown. How am I alive? Why aren’t I just dead? I’m dying, really, I am. Then suddenly a burst of energy will overcome me. Well I’m not at school/work today because I’m sick! ….I can clean out the closet like I’ve been meaning to for months! I can watch all those TV shows I’ve never had time for! I can sort all those clothes and donate them to Goodwill! I can meal prep for the next week! And this usually results in an energetic spree lasting about 45 minutes, after which you will find me passed out in my wrecked room laying on the ground in pile of dirty clothes.

The Healthy and Productive Sick. Being sick makes me want to no longer be a contributing member of society. But every once in awhile I will suck it up and actually try making myself FEEL BETTER instead of wallowing in misery and pain. Because let’s be real for a second, everyone loves to wallow at some point. Sometimes it is to make other people feel bad for us! And sometimes it’s because we are just too lazy or tired to take care of ourselves. But the secret here is that when you force yourself to get up and take care of yourself, you actually end up FEELING BETTER. At least that’s what I’ve found on these rare occasions.

So I will get up out of bed and the most important first step is to SHOWER. It’s unreal how that hot water will ease pain, headaches, and stuffy noses. If you’re gonna get real fancy, use some eucalyptus body wash because the scent is shown to promote relaxation and clear sinuses. Then I’ll make myself a cup of tea with honey to soothe my sore throat. When you’re sick your body uses up calories to fight off your illness which is why people loose weight being sick. I’ll try to fuel my body with some complex carbs like whole wheat toast and avocado for some healthy fat. Grapefruit has a ton of vitamin C and it’s so refreshing that it makes me feel more awake. I won’t do my makeup like crazy but I’ll put on a TON of face moisturizer to combat rubbing all those tissues against my nose, some tinted moisturizer on top of that, and fill in my eyebrows with some tinted eyebrow gel. I will feel so much more refreshed and actually somewhat presentable! It’s hard not to lay in bed all day, but try doing something low key productive like reading a magazine on the couch or catching up on your fav blogs. Some people like remaining miserable but we are not those people, am I right??

So now, it’s time for me to roll out of bed and do all of those good things for myself. Because as I type this, I am laying in bed, surrounded by a village of dirty tissues, with my glasses on and my hair a dirty frizzy mess.

Questions:
+ Do you have any multiple sick day personalities?
+ Do you pamper yourself in any way when you’re feeling under the weather?
+ Do your parents/significant other put up with your sick day shit like mine (sometimes) do?