I Just Want To Feel Safe.

I was in 4th grade when 9/11 happened and even though it rocked the whole world, I was too young at the time for it to have an immediate impact on how I lived my daily life.

I was even too young for Columbine and Virginia Tech to have a real impact on me. My parents definitely did a fantastic job shielding me from the horrors on the news that day (and the weeks that followed).

Then the shooting in the Aurora movie theater happened. And I still go to movie theaters, but does it cross my mind that violence might occur there? Yes.

Then Newtown happened. In my own state. I cried as my dad told me more about it, driving me home from college for my winter break. It didn't seem real at all. But does it occur to me now that children might not be safe in schools without security guards and metal detectors at the entrances? Yes.

Then Pulse nightclub. The club isn't safe anymore. Somewhere to let loose and be carefree. You never know, you never know. Am I nervous to go to gay clubs now? Yes. Will I still? Yes.

A fireworks show in France. A shopping center. A music festival.

I'm writing because I don't know what else to do. I scrolled through Twitter and consumed hours of media today. It's heartwrenching. It's soul crushing. There's nothing to understand, or to make sense of because it's senseless. 

I just want to feel safe. My house is safe. My hometown neighborhood feels safe. That's where I still am right now. Boston doesn't feel quite as safe. Buying spontaneous plane tickets to an exciting destination doesn't feel safe. But how would my life be if I stayed in this kitchen for the rest of my life? Playing it safe. Not seeing the horrors of the world, but also missing all of the beauty, amazing people, breathtaking places.

There is darkness, there is horror, there is fear.
There is lightness, there is hope, there is living.

I want to be safe, but I want to live.

My thoughts are so with anyone effected by this tragedy. It's going to get harder as we start learning about the victims. The only way I can think to honor them is by continuing to spread their stories, and by living.