Major Career Decisions, NBD.

So as of this year, I will have been out of school for two and a half years. I'm not quite sure how this happened, especially since I had every intention of taking "one year off to save money" and then going on to grad school. LOL. This brilliant plan was horrifically disrupted by a soul-crushing heartbreak, the aftermath (a long, awful clinical depression), and the simple fact that I had no idea what I wanted to get my Master's in. 

I think those are good reasons as any to delay grad school, don't you? I figured it may be a little silly to rack up a potential 60+ grand of debt, if I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up.

And yet, here we are, almost three years later, and what feels like no closer to any conclusive answers. And I realize that the problem isn't a lack of drive, direction, or purpose.

the problem is my crippling fear of the unknown.

For the past two-ish years, I have been telling people my plan. My plan is to go back to school for Occupational Therapy, then work in either schools, medical centers, or private practice. The field of OT is literally booming. A simple search on Indeed.com yields hundreds of job opportunities. I'd start off my OT career likely making no less than 60-70 grand a year. I'd be set for life.

I crossed all of my t's and dotted almost all of my i's in my pursuit of preparation for OT school applications. I shadowed a pediatric OT, and took both Anatomy & Physiology classes at a community college (paid for out of pocket, mind you).

Then I started researching the schools, the programs, the application process, etc etc etc. And every time I opened a website, read a course description, was mailed a packet of information about an OT program, I was shaken by an indescribable sense of anxiety and dread. There's no other way to describe it. I was dreading going to school for OT. The thought of this was giving me anxiety on a cellular level. Is this profession truly for me? I was forced to try and process this devastating realization. Why am I trying to pursue this? Is it because of the financial reward? The abundant job openings? To impress my peers and family?

Or is it because it is my true life's calling and passion to be a practicing Occupational Therapist? 

Since this realization, I have been locked in a panic, paralyzed that I will make the wrong career decision, plagued by regrets for the rest of my life. I know, I know, at just 23 years old how can I possibly be this existential and dramatic???

I do not know what I want to be when I grow up, but I know what I love. I love dance, I love improving people's moods, I love enhancing people's lives, I love movement, I love bodies, I love art, I love words, I love spirituality and the persistent nature of the human condition to better ourselves.

And while so much of this can be accomplished as an OT, my gut is literally, physically telling me that OT may just not be for me. If I can't trust my gut, I don't know what I can trust.

In all honestly, I do have a good idea of what I want to go to grad school for, so it likely will still happen this time next year. That's another blog post in the making.

For now, the search continues...