Why am I still lonely?

I don't know why but I've struggled with loneliness my whole life. I was a VERY angsty child and teenager. I would sulk in my room and write poetry. I felt like no one really ever understood me and I would write about this. Since that time, I've become a much happier, positive person. But there's still a pervasive part of me that continues to believe that on some level, there is no one who will really understand me fully.

I feel like of all people, I give myself over 100% to whoever I'm in a relationship with. So my boyfriend is that person right now. I am a stripped down version of myself. I'm messy and flawed and uncensored. Sometimes that causes us to get in fights because he's just as (if not more) messy, raw, and uncensored. But he gets me, at least I'd like to think he gets me.

Somehow I still get lonely.

I think it's because when I'm single, I force myself to be content with just myself. I convince myself, very firmly, that my company is plenty enough and fill my free time and blank spaces with bright and vivid content. This was what colored my spring and summer. Holding my own hand, buying concert tickets, taking shots, traveling to Costa Rica, singing karaoke with my friends on a stage, making myself healthy smoothies. All of this was great and I'm so glad that I pushed myself to do these things. But a part of me always felt like I just did them to have something to do. To fill the spaces.

Now that I have my wonderful boyfriend, I don't have as many spaces to fill. But when I do, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. When he's in class at night, when he's hanging out with his own friends, I just lay around, unsure of what to do next. It's like he's the catalyst for everything I do, both with him and without him. It's great that I love him, but it's not great that I don't know what to do when we're not together. I never thought I'd be a codependent member of our relationship.

So how do I fix this?

I need to learn to love my time alone again or I'll continue to feel this loneliness whenever we're not together. It's silly because I know he loves me when we're apart. I need to reconnect with my friends outside of our relationship, and reconnect with things I've loved to do by myself like go to yoga class, Spinning class, and dance again. I haven't danced for myself in so long I can't even remember. Lucas, if you're reading this, know that I love you more than anything. But part of loving you is loving myself when I'm not with you. And I think I have to get that back.